Corpus of Electronic Texts Edition
The Blunderful Blunder of Blunders (Author: Jonathan Swift)

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Having lately perused a paper call'd the Wonderful Wonder of Wonders, I could not but with the highest Resentment animadvert upon its Author, who at this time of Day, when all Heads are at Work about Affairs of the greatest Consequence, should be so cruel as to write upon a plain Subject with so much Obscurity, whereas the Naked Truth always appears best in a Simplicity of Language.

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'Tis true indeed, that in the early Ages of Learning, Scholars through an affected Vanity of appearing Wiser than the rest of Mankind, disguised their Knowledge under the Cover of Hieroglyphicks, but as Philosophy acquired more Heat and Luster, these Clouds began to vanish, and the Rays of Truth more universally diffused themselves to all such as was earnest to search and pry into the Secrets of Nature. So were the Oracles of old, by direction of their Father the Devil, wrapt up in the utmost Darkness, for he would have them carry his own black Stamp; 'till Men of Penetration and Judgment discovered their Fallacy, and rescued the deluded Reason of their Admirers from its greatest enemy, Ambiguity.

Now I appeal to all Men of Reading or Experience, whether it has not been

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the constant practice of Impostors, the better to carry on their Cheats, ever to amuse the World with Riddles. Which puts me in Mind of a Story that will not be amiss in this place. A certain cunning Fellow who had been reduced to his last Shifts, and knowing the World to be very fond of Wonders, gave out that he had found a terrible Monster in a Wood, which he took Care to chain up in a dark Corner of his Room; People flocked in abundance, and the Man made a very great Advantage of his Show; for he managed it so dexterously, by the dreadful Accounts which he gave of its Fierceness, that no Body durst approach near enough to see what it was, till one Day a Pot valiant Fellow, who knew how to value his Six Pence, rushes upon the Monster, swore he would see what he was to have for his Money, and in short, drags out a Dog in a Doublet.

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The Reader may expect I should say something here, but I ask his Pardon if I refer him to the Conclusion for an Application.

I would willingly expostulate with my Friend, and ask him, what would he think if Nature, in her Works, should proceed in a Method Ænigmatical; That every Species of Fruit should have a dark Skin drawn over it, insomuch that we should not be able to distinguish between an Apple and a Peach, between a Pear and a Nectarine, without stripping them of their Cloaths, would not a vast Number of Inconveniencies ensue? Or should she thro' Whim and Frolick, affect Eclypses in Sun, Moon and Stars, the World would have a fine time on't. Should every Lady run into the Frolick of glewing their Masks to their Faces, there would be an end

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of Beauty. In short the Evils of disguise are without Number, for which Reason, Truth is dignified with the Epithet of NAKED, and our Author, without Ceremony, should have uncovered his Subject to the World; it was not of so little Importance to Mankind as to be concelaed from them.

When a Man writes, either for the Information or Improvement of the World, let him write to be understood by the World. The Reason I insist upon this so much is — I was in Company the other Night with six Gentlemen of as good Understanding as any in Ireland, and without Vanity I may say, as any in England, where this same Paper of Wonderful Wonders was introduced, ay, and read over three times, before any one durst venture, even at a Conjecture. At last we began to

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debate it; says one, I fancy this musst be a kind of Satyr upon Jo. D——r because he is described as a Close, Gripping, Squeezing Fellow, no Sir, that cannot be, said another, for you know he is made to say, as fast as he gets he lets fly, besides, the Man is dead. Said a third, I have it, depend upon this, That it is meant of a Judge, because he is a great Oppressor of all below him, and you know how he is given to frequent Murmers; not at all said I, that cannot be, for there is no Judge in Town observed to lean either to the Right or Left. Indeed were it not for that, I should be inclinable to think so, because this Person is described to peruse Pamphlets on both sides, with great Impartiality. Upon this Conviction I acquiesced, and a Friend next me rises with some appearance of Reason, and said, the Presumption was strong of his side, That it

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must be a B-----p, because his Studies were confined to Schoolmen, Commentators, and German Divines. But this was soon overthrown, because no B-----p has any civil Employment, and the Person here mentioned, is made Receiver General.

A certain Grey-headed Reverend Divine in Town, said he was sure it was meant of the Wooden Man in Essex Street. Now I humbly beg leave to start these Queries to him.

Query Whether the Wooden Man in Essex Street ever goes to Bed.

Query Whether he ever leaves any thing at any Gentleman's House.

Query Whether he be lately arrived to this City; it is well known that he

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is an old Stander, and one of the ancient Inhabitants of it.

Query Whether he was never seen before by any Mortal.

Query Whether he frequents Unclean Houses, at least in the Plural Number.

Query Whether People trust him with their ready Money.

Query Whether his Grand-father was a Member of the Rump Parliament.

Query Whether he ever sheds Tears of Blood.

Now, Quere Whether the Wooden Man would not have guessed as well.

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One held it to be a Jacobite Paper, and that he saw the Pretender at the Bottom, under the Name of Jacobus de Voragine.

But to be short, after many long Arguments and Debates, One in Company (non quia nasus caeteris nullus erat) started up, and said, Gentlemen, I smell a Rat, it is my Arse all over, and we all applauded his Penetration.

Postscript

If the Gentleman, thro' Consideration of the Losses sustained by the South Sea, has, out of a Design to encourage Trade and Commerce, sold the Publick a bargain, I heartily ask

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his Pardon for these Animadversions. But if not, he may expect much severer in my next, together with an ample Dedication to the Gold-finders of the City of Dublin.

N.B. The Author of this Answer intends very soon to oblige the World with an Historical Account of Bargains.