| [Item] | Per day |
|---|---|
| Incurable fools are almost infinite; however, at first, I would have only twenty thousand admitted; and, allowing to each person but one shilling per day for maintenance, which is as low as possible, the daily expense for this article will be | £1,000 |
| Incurable knaves, are, if possible, more numerous, including foreigners, especially Irishmen. Yet I would limit the number of these to about thirty thousand; which would amount to | £1,500 |
| Incurable scolds would be plentifully supplied from almost every family in the kingdom. And indeed, to make this hospital of any real benefit, we cannot admit fewer, even at first, than thirty thousand, including the ladies of Billingsgate and Leadenhall market, which is | £1,500 |
| The incurable scribblers are undoubtedly a very considerable society, and of that denomination I would admit at least forty thousand; because it is to be supposed that such incurables will be found in greatest distress for a daily maintenance. And if we had not great encouragement to hope that many of that class would properly be admitted among the incurable fools, I should strenuously intercede to have ten or twenty thousand more added. But their allowed number will amount to | £2,000 |
| Incurable coxcombs are very numerous; and, considering what numbers are annually imported from France and Italy, we cannot admit fewer than ten thousand, which will be | £500 |
| Incurable infidels (as they affect to be called) should be received into the hospital to the number of ten thousand. However, if it should accidentally happen to grow into a fashion to be believers, it is probable that the great part of them would, in a very short time, be dismissed from the hospital as perfectly cured. Their expense would be | £500 |
| Incurable liars are infinite in all parts of the kingdom; and, making allowance for citizens' wives, mercers, prentices, news-writers, old maids, and flatterers, we cannot possibly allow a smaller number than thirty thousand, which will amount to | £1,500 |
| The incurably envious are in vast quantities throughout this whole nation. Nor can it reasonably be expected that their numbers should lessen while fame and honours are heaped upon some particular persons as the public reward of their superior accomplishments, while others, who are equally excellent in their own opinions, are constrained to live unnoticed and contemned. And as it would be impossible to provide for all those who are possessed with this distemper, I should consent to admit only twenty thousand at first, by way of experiment, amounting to | £1,000 |
| Of the incurably vain, affected, and impertinent, I should at least admit ten thousand; which number I am confident will appear very inconsiderable, if we include all degrees of females, from the duchess to the chambermaid; all poets, who have had a little success, especially in the dramatic way; and all players, who have met with a small degree of approbation. Amounting only to | £500 |
By which plain computation it is evident that two hundred thousand persons will be daily provided for, and the allowance for maintaining this collection of incurables may be seen in the following account.
| Per day | ||
|---|---|---|
| Fools, being 20,000 | at one shilling each | £1,000 |
| Knaves 30,000 | ditto | £1,500 |
| Scolds 30,000 | ditto | £1,500 |
| Scribblers 40,000 | ditto | £2,000 |
| Coxcombs 10,000 | ditto | £500 |
| Infidels 10,000 | ditto | £500 |
| Liars 30,000 | ditto | £1,500 |
| Envious 20,000 | ditto | £1,000 |
| Vain 10,000 | ditto | £500 |
| Total maintained: 200,000 | Total expense | £10,000 |
Whence it appears, that the daily expense will amount to such a sum, as in 365 days comes to [...] £3,650,000.
And I am fully satisfied that a sum much greater than this, may easily be raised, with all possible satisfaction to the subject, and without interfering in the least with the revenues of the crown.
In the first place, a large proportion of this sum might be raised by the voluntary contribution of the inhabitants.
The computed number of people in Great Britain is very little less than eight millions; of which, upon a most moderate computation, we may account one half to be incurables. And as all those different incurables, whether acting in the capacity of friends, acquaintances, wives, husbands, daughters, counsellors, parents, old maids, or old bachelors, are inconceivable plagues to all those with whom they happen to be concerned; and, as there is no hope of being eased of such plagues, except by such an hospital, which by degrees might be enlarged to contain them all; I think it cannot be doubted, that at least three millions and a half of people, out of the remaining proportion, would be found both able and desirous to contribute so small a sum as 20s. per annum, for the quiet of the kingdom, the peace of private families, and the credit of the nation in general. And this contribution would amount to very near our requisite sum.
Nor can this by any means be esteemed a wild conjecture; for where is there a man of common sense, honesty, or good nature, who would not gladly propose even a much greater sum to be freed from a scold, a knave, a fool, a liar, a coxcomb conceitedly repeating the compositions of others, or a vain impertinent poet repeating his own?
In the next place, it may justly be supposed that many young noblemen, knights, squires, and extravagant heirs, with very large estates, would be confined in our hospital. And I would propose that the annual income of every particular incurable's estate should be appropriated to the use of the house. But, besides these, there will undoubtedly be many old misers, aldermen, justices, directors of companies, templars, and merchants of all kinds, whose personal fortunes are immense, and who should proportionably pay to the hospital.
Yet lest by being here misunderstood I should seem to propose an unjust or oppressive Scheme, I shall farther explain my design.
Suppose, for instance, a young nobleman possessed of £10,000 or £20,000 per annum, should accidentally be confined there as an incurable, I would have only such a proportion of his estate applied to the support of the hospital, as he himself would spend if he were at liberty. And, after his death, the profits of the estate should regularly devolve to the next lawful heir, whether male or female.
And my reason for this proposal is, because considerable estates, which probably would be squandered away among hounds, horses, whores, sharpers, surgeons, tailors, pimps, masquerades, or architects, if left to the management of such incurables, would, by this means, become of some real use, both to the public and themselves. And perhaps this may be the only method which can be found to make such young spendthrifts of any real benefit to their country.
And although the estates of deceased incurables might be permitted to descend to the next heirs, the hospital would probably sustain no great disadvantage; because it is very likely that most of these heirs would also gradually be admitted under some denomination or other, and consequently their estates would again devolve to the use of the hospital.
As to the wealthy misers, &c., I would have their private fortunes nicely examined and calculated; because if they were old bachelors, (as it would frequently happen,) their whole fortunes should be appropriated to the endowment: but, if married, I would leave two thirds of their fortunes for the support of their families; which families would cheerfully consent to give away the remaining third, if not more, to be freed from such peevish and disagreeable governors.
So that, deducting from the 200,000 incurables the 40,000 scribblers, who to be sure would be found in very bad circumstances; I believe, among the remaining hundred and sixty thousand fools, knaves, and coxcombs, so many would be found of large estates and easy fortunes, as would at least produce two hundred thousand pounds per annum.
As a farther addition to our endowment, I would have a tax upon all inscriptions and tombstones, monuments and obelisks, erected to the honour of the dead; or on porticoes and trophies, to the honour of the living; because these will naturally and properly come under the article of lies, pride, vanity, &c.
And if all inscriptions throughout this kingdom were impartially examined, in order to tax those which should appear demonstrably false or flattering, I am convinced that not one fifth part of the number would, after such a scrutiny, escape exempted.
Many an ambitious turbulent spirit would then be found, belied with the opposite title of lover of his country; and many a Middlesex justice, as improperly described, sleeping in hope of salvation.
Many an usurer discredited by the appellations of honest and frugal; and many a lawyer with the character of conscientious and equitable.
Many a British statesman and general decaying with more honour than they lived; and their dusts distinguished with a better reputation than when they were animated.
Many dull parsons improperly styled eloquent; and as many stupid physicians improperly styled learned.
Yet, notwithstanding the extensiveness of a tax upon such monumental impositions, I will
To these annuities I would also request the parliament of this nation to allow the benefit of two lotteries yearly, by which the hospital would gain £200,000 clear. Nor can such a request seem any way extraordinary, since it would be appropriated to the benefit of fools and knaves, which is the sole cause of granting one for this present year.
In the last place, I would add the estate of Richard Norton, Esq.; and, to do his memory all possible honour, I would have his statue erected in the very first apartment of the hospital, or in any other which might seem more apt. And on his monument I would permit a long inscription, composed by his dearest friends, which should remain tax-free for ever.
From these several articles, therefore, would annually arise the following sums:
| [Item] | Per Ann. |
|---|---|
| From the voluntary contribution | £3,500,000 |
| From the estates of the incurables | 200,000 |
| By the tax upon tombstones, monuments, &c. (that of Richard Norton, Esq. always excepted) | 100,000 |
| By two annual lotteries | 200,000 |
| By the estate of Richard Norton, Esq. | 600,000 |
| Total | £4,600,000 |
| And the necessary sum for the hospital being | £3,650,000 |
| There will remain annually over and above | 356,000 |
Which sum of £356,000 should be applied towards erecting the building, and answer accidental expenses, in such a manner as should seem most proper to promote the design of the hospital. But the whole management of it should be left to the skill and discretion of those who are to be constituted governors.
It may indeed prove a work of some small difficulty to fix upon a commodious place, large enough for a building of this nature. I should have thoughts of attempting to enclose all Yorkshire, if I were not apprehensive that it would be crowded with so many incurable knaves of its own growth, that there would not be the least room left for the reception of any others; by which accident our whole project might be retarded for some time.
Thus have I set this matter in the plainest light I could, that every one may judge of the necessity, usefulness, and practicableness of this scheme: and I shall only add a few scattered hints, which, to me, seem not altogether unprofitable.
I think the prime minister for the time being ought largely to contribute to such a foundation; because his high station and merits must of necessity infect a great number with envy, hatred, lying, and such sort of distempers; and, of consequence, furnish the hospital annually with many incurables.
I would desire that the governors appointed to direct this hospital should have (if such a thing were possible) some appearance of religion and belief in God; because those who are to be admitted as incurable infidels, atheists, deists, and freethinkers, most of which tribe are only so out of pride, conceit, and affectation, might perhaps grow gradually into believers, if they perceived it to be the custom of the place where they lived.
Although it be not customary for the natives of Ireland to meet with any manner of promotion in this kingdom, I would in this respect have that national prejudice entirely laid aside; and request that, for the reputation of both kingdoms, a large apartment in the hospital may be fitted up for Irishmen particularly, who, either by knavery, lewdness, or fortune-hunting, should appear qualified for admittance; because their numbers would certainly be very considerable.
I would farther request that a father who seems delighted at seeing his son metamorphosed into a fop or a coxcomb, because he has travelled from London to Paris, may be sent along with the young gentleman to the hospital, as an old fool, absolutely incurable.
If a poet have luckily produced any thing, especially in a dramatic way, which is tolerably well received by the public, he should be sent immediately to the hospital; because incurable vanity is always the consequence of a little success. And if his compositions be ill received, let him be admitted as a scribbler.
And I hope, in regard to the great pains I have taken about this Scheme, that I shall be admitted upon the foundation as one of the scribbling incurables. But, as an additional favour, I entreat that I may not be placed in an apartment with a poet who has employed his genius for the stage; because he will kill me with repeating his own compositions: and I need not acquaint the world that it is extremely painful to bear any nonsense—except our own.
My private reason for soliciting so early to be admitted is, because it is observed that schemers and projectors are generally reduced to beggary; but, by my being provided for in the hospital, either as an incurable fool or a scribbler, that discouraging observation will for once be publicly disproved, and my brethren in that way will be secure of a public reward for their labours.
It gives me, I own, a great degree of happiness to reflect that although, in this short treatise, the characters of many thousands are contained among the vast variety of incurables, yet not any one person is likely to be offended; because it is natural to apply ridiculous characters to all the world except ourselves. And I dare be bold to say that the most incurable fool, knave, scold, coxcomb, scribbler, or liar, in this whole nation, will
I hope indeed that our wise legislature will take this project into their serious consideration, and promote an endowment which will be of such eminent service to multitudes of his majesty's unprofitable subjects, and may in time be of use to themselves and their posterity.